I will never forget the days, weeks, months, and even years, after your departure. It is complicated to explain how I felt without you. Lost? The word is not strong enough. Alone? Certainly, but not only. Abandoned? The word seems very strong, but I do think it is still not enough.
The days were long. So long, I had the feeling of leaving an entire week when only a few hours had passed. So long, that my biological rhythm was completely changed. I could sleep a few minutes as if it was an entire night, eat a few and go back to sleep. I would do several things, but only for a few minutes that seemed hours. It was as if I was leaving countless days of 4 hours each. That gave me the feeling of growing old in a very short time. I never understood that reaction, but I keep remembering it as the years that made me your widow instead of your wife.
Leaving without you seemed impossible, and I knew that, alone, I would never manage. I had our daughter inside me, and I felt even worse thinking that she would never see you, would never feel your soft touch on her cheek, would never know what it is to be hugged by her father. All those thoughts made me sink into a condition I don’t really like and that still makes me feel ashamed. I was nothing without you. I had only lived over you, for you, through you. Realizing I would be alone was the most distraughting thought I ever had. Luckily, life came to the surface again, thanks to kind souls that were present and didn’t let me down.
Strangely enough, it is the first time I can think of those moments without feeling again the same. I have avoided doing so for so many years, that I didn’t realize the pain healed, somehow… I still miss you terribly, but acceptance came with years.
I will write again soon.
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